10 Irrational Fears That All Londoners Have

1. Stepping on a razor blade, which then proceeds to slice open your foot. You get tetanus, amongst other random diseases and spend an interminably long time hooked up to IVs while doctors try to ascertain what's actually wrong with you. 

I mean, is it just me? I totally got something stuck in the sole of my shoe a while back and, when I looked at it closer, it looked like a razor blade. Yesterday morning when I was walking into work in my Tory Burch espadrilles (NOT smart, because those espadrilles weren't made for walking / that's not what they'll do / one of these days ... oh, forget it), I totally saw a razor blade on the ground (who does that? Leave razor blades lying around, I mean?) and totally thought it'd slice right into the bottom of my shoe.

2. Getting trapped/crushed under a double-decker bus that tips over as it's turning. 

I think I inherited this fear from my mother, who used to warn me against sitting on the top deck of double-decker buses (whatever, she's the first to scamper up those stairs now when she visits London). The other day, I crossed the street with a friend and stood on the island to wait for the traffic to stop (I really should have waited for the green man, I KNOW). Two buses came roaring past at breakneck speed, turning the corner ... and yeah, I might have been a little nervous.

3. Falling onto the tube tracks just as a train pulls in.

I hate, hate, hate standing on a crowded platform waiting for the next tube train to arrive. I have this thing though, about turning my body slightly sideways, so that I'm standing perpendicular (rather than parallel) to the track. I feel like I'm less likely to lose my balance in case I'm pushed or shoved - in reality, it probably wouldn't make a difference.

4. Falling into the canal. Or the Thames.

Just ... ew.

5. Getting hit by one of those courier cyclists (or any cyclist, for that matter) who like to run red lights.

Now, this is likely to happen, as I've had enough close shaves to know that it CAN happen. Doesn't matter if you've got a green man and they've got a red light, these cyclists obey a higher law, apparently, and not only do they have a death wish for themselves - they've got one for you too. It's all you can do to not swear loudly under your breath, while they flip you the finger as they nonchalantly race away. Oh yeah, you're so cool, buddy.

6. Getting crushed by a mob of tourists on Oxford Street.

Question: what are you doing on Oxford Street in the first place?

7. Having your toenail ripped off in the summer when you're wearing sandals by one of those wheelie suitcases that people INSIST on dragging behind them in the busiest parts of London.

Don't laugh. This happened to someone I know. Not so funny now, is it?

8. Throwing up/feeling sick/fainting/being unable to control some other bodily function while on the tube.

Definitely know a few people who have done one or all of the things above.

9. Falling down the really long escalator at Angel tube station.

I fell up the escalator at Embankment once. I deserved it. I was trying to sidestep a man and tripped up, slamming my chin into the moving step. As I scrambled to get up, I was extremely paranoid that a piece of my clothing would get sucked into the stair/gap on the side. The worst part? I was carrying my violin case on my back at the time, so I looked like a turtle that couldn't get up. My pride was lost that day, people, and I'm not sure I ever got it back.

10. Feeling like you're underpaying for food/coffee/sustenance and then doubting the quality of the said food/coffee/sustenance.

"What? This cappuccino's only £4?!? There MUST be something wrong with it."

What are your irrational fears about where you live?