Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Expat Talk: Losing Fluency In My First Language


The other day, I was chatting away to my mom on FaceTime in our usual, rapid mixture of English and Chinese, when suddenly, I faltered: I couldn't remember the Chinese word for "travel". It felt like a rush of cold water down my back as I realized ... I was losing fluency in my first language. I carried on in English, but felt confused and uneasy.

Although I was born and raised in the US, I didn't speak English until I started pre-school (aged three or so) - something I've always been very proud of. Despite growing up in a small town devoid of any native-Chinese speakers, my parents made an effort to speak to me only in Cantonese at home. Unlike my brother, who was far more reluctant to speak in Chinese on a regular basis, I embraced my second language and used it frequently, as much as possible.  At the age of four, I was reciting Chinese poetry, my small voice carrying on as my finger traced each verse in my book. I remember my mom squeezing me tight with pride as I did this, and my dad beaming at me from the dinner table.

A home video filmed by my dad shows me playing with a doll I'd named 'Nancy'. "How old is Nancy?" my dad asks me in the video, in English. "She ..." I think. "She is ... cham," I pronounce, after much deliberation, saying what I think is English for "three" but actually twisting the Cantonese pronunciation for the number instead. Of course, by the time I actually went to pre-school, I picked up English quickly, and my parents began to speak to me in a mix of Chinese and English at home.

The morning after the FaceTime conversation with my mom, I laid awake in bed, naming every fruit and vegetable I could outloud, in Chinese. I pictured the fruit in my head before pronouncing, 'heung jiu' for banana or 'ping gor' for apple. But for other fruits, I realized that I was thinking of the word in English before translating it into Chinese - which felt really, really scary.

Before, I never had to think when I spoke in Chinese. It came naturally, easily. Just like eavesdropping on the two little old ladies babbling in Cantonese on the Overground the other day: I didn't have to concentrate on their conversation. I just understood it. Immediately. One had arthritis in her knee. The other asked why she didn't go to the doctor. The first responded that she did, and that they gave her an injection, but it didn't work. See? Easy.

But now, I find myself searching for words when I speak them - my vocabulary slowly shrinking. What is the word for ambulance? For soy milk? What is the word for sign? Or window? I tried to remember the word for "antibiotic" the other day, and got stuck. I regularly mispronounce things to my mom lately, and she corrects me, laughing - not in a mean way, but gently. I'm embarrassed. The fluency I was once so proud of is slowly slipping away.

Recently, I read this article about expats who lost fluency in their native language after years of living in another country. My German colleague and Danish friend have both admitted to me that they too, struggle to grasp for words in their native tongue after living in London for several years. And although English is considered my native language, Chinese was always simultaneously a part of that too. But the less I'm around my family, and the less I watch Cantonese movies or listen to Cantonese music, I feel the language slowly slipping away - and in turn, my Chinese heritage and culture fading from the forefront of my mind.

Which scares me the most.
I've thought about joining Cantonese meet-up groups or searching for a language exchange partner. But time slips away, I have other priorities, and it gets shoved aside for something else. A few years ago, I had a Cantonese-speaking co-worker, so we conversed daily and I'd pop down to buy some fruit from the green grocer around the corner, who had emigrated from Hong Kong. But soon, they moved, and I just stopped speaking Cantonese as frequently as I'd used to. So now, aside from the occasional FaceTime with my mom (my dad never speaks to me in Chinese now for some reason, which is weird! I'll speak to him in Chinese and he'll answer me in English!), my once-fluent language skills remain unused - dormant.

Do you speak another language? Has this ever happened to you? How did it make you feel, and how did you overcome it (if you did)? I'd love to know.
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44 comments

  1. I find that even after complete immersion in another language, for a week or more, your brain gets so scrambled with so many new words, that it forgets to file those words away as part of a new language, but instead they replace words from your original language. My first language is English, but I can sometimes find myself feeling more comfortable speaking German at times when I'm with my family, when that's all I've spoken for days. The struggle is real! ;)

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    1. That's so interesting, Talia - thanks for sharing! Language is so complex - it's interesting the way our brains work in order to "file" words away, as you mentioned. Thank you for reading and commenting!

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  2. Oh yes - definitely experienced that. It's a wonder anyone knows what I'm talking about at any given time. I had a moment the other day where I could only think of the word in Danish and that freaked me out. I had to ask my husband in Danish how to say the word in English because my brain panicked and could only speak Danish.

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    1. I'm so fascinated by people who are multi-lingual or bilingual, Jen. How long have you been speaking Danish for? And did you find it easy to pick up/learn? It seems like a difficult language to me!

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  3. I studied Linguistics at university so I find this fascinating. I'm sure that because you're aware of it it's making you panic a bit, but it's such a part of you that it'll never go.
    Cx
    charliedistracted.com

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    1. No way, Charlie - so this topic is right up your alley :) Thanks so much for the reassurance. I think I just need to talk to my parents more and start subscribing to some Canto soap operas or something! ;)

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  4. Do you have a source of literature at hand? Perhaps reading books in Cantonese or watching tv shows online might be a small effort way of maintaining it's presence in your life?

    I am learning Dutch and find that when I call home I struggle for the English words now and then but for me, I can only see that as a good thing for now, perhaps it proves that the Dutch is starting to sink in a little ; ) But I can completely see it from your angle too, and how worrying it must be to feel further away from that part of your identity. I would say embrace every part of yourself and find easy ways to include these aspects into your daily life.

    Gemma

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    1. I totally agree with the need to watch some Cantonese TV programmes or podcasts, Gemma! I am so impressed that you're learning Dutch right now. I couldn't imagine learning a new language from scratch - it's always been a very intimidating concept to me.

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  5. Whilst being in Sweden for four years my Swedish is very limited but there are some words that I found myself faltering for in English or when playing Scrabble I have put down a word that is Swedish and it makes me feel very confused as well. I know my identity will never be linked to speaking Swedish but acquiring these words so late in life in terms of language does make me feel proud. Fredrik on the other hand does struggle at times when he has been home with me all weekend and then goes to work and will sub in an English word for a Swedish one and then tries to rush on so no coworkers will call him out on it. He says at times he feels ashamed as he feels more comfortable in English and his in a sense turning his back on his native tongue.

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    1. That's so interesting to know, Bailie - especially your husband's experience at work! There's the added dimension of you both living in Sweden and being immersed in the language already, so it's interesting to learn that he feels more comfortable in English - maybe because it's the language he associates with you? <3

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  6. Wow. I can imagine how scary this must be. It's like losing part of your identity in a way... like the people fading from the photo in Back to the Future. I haven't experienced this per se (English has always been my primary language), but my brain does leap to Japanese at random whenever I'm in a situation where English isn't the primary language being spoken. It's like my mind goes, "Ah, a foreign language you say??? Here's the one I know best," and then a Japanese word comes out...even if the person I'm talking to is speaking French, or Russian. The brain seems to spit out whatever it thinks is appropriate, or in my case, whatever it has access to that it's most comfortable with. In your case, like you said, since you've spent so much time away from your family, and haven't had much occasion to speak Cantonese, your vocabulary is slowly being replaced.

    Maybe you can ask the members of your family to speak to you only in Cantonese for at least 30 minutes of every conversation you have with them from now on. Then you can gradually build your ease with speaking Cantonese back up again! Like word-weight-lifting :D

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    1. I love that thought, Gianni - "word weight-lifting". I definitely need to do it. I think I need to just be around the language more - watch more movies, listen to more music, etc. in Cantonese. I'm going to search for some good podcasts.

      And you hit the nail on the head: it very much feels like I'm losing part of my identity. And that I've got to do something quickly before it completely disappears, JUST LIKE those people fading from the photo in Back to the Future- it is EXACTLY like that! I love that you just "get" it.

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  7. Active language skills can slip quickly when you’re not using a language regularly. But you’re not losing your passive knowledge - it’s just getting harder to access because you’re out of practice. I find the active skills come back pretty quickly once you get back into the language, though. My spoken German was waaay better when I was living in Germany and using it all the time. When I have to speak German now it feels as if my brain is frozen - but after a while it starts coming back to me and the words kind of flow again. Practice is everything.

    Funnily enough, as a native speaker of American English, I’ve encountered a similar problem with my own mother tongue after living in the UK for 15 years - namely, I don’t know or can’t remember the American words for some things off the top of my head, or I find myself using British pronunciations even when talking with my parents back home (“mo-bile” instead of “mo-bul” is a big one). Then I’m afraid it seems like I’m being pretentious - but it just happens automatically after being here for so long and having to adjust my language in order to be understood. I can’t tell you how much I struggled to get a simple “boddel of wahder” when I first moved here…

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    1. Thanks for the reassurance and the explanation behind passive/active knowledge, Jessica! I, too, think that this is the case because my language skills always improve after a trip back from Hong Kong.

      And I TOTALLY say certain things the "UK" way now and feel super self-aware/self-conscious about saying "wahder" or names like "Natalie", which I'd normally pronounce "Nadalie" but here automatically say "Natalie". AHHH!!!!

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  8. I feel the same! I tried watching a Filo movie the other day and had to pause the first couple of minutes because I felt like I couldn't understand what they were saying! Granted, I was more of a reader than a speaker, but I understood Filipino 1000000% and never had to worry about understanding the language.

    Honey x The Girl Next Shore

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    1. It's a scary feeling Honey - good to know that you're in a similar boat though! x

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  9. First, I'm so impressed that you speak 3 languages!

    Second- maybe find an awesome Cantonese podcast to listen to on the way to work? Practice that brain, lady! ❤️

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    1. YES. Yes, I need to do this! Thanks for the reminder xo

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  10. I have the same problem talking to my Mum and Dad on the phone or Skype. I speak French now and often forget a word in my native English due to speaking French all day. It's quite a strange feeling isn't it? Hard to explain.

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    1. Wow - that's really interesting, Greg. I've never thought about it "the other way around"! It is a really difficult feeling to try to articulate or to explain, which is why I was hesitant about writing this post in the first place, but hearing about other peoples' experiences has been really fascinating! Thank you for sharing.

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  11. It's funny, I was just speaking about language with my dad the other day. I've only ever spoken English fluently but I've studied French on and off for around 18 years, I started around the age of four or five. Recently I've really struggled with it so I've been trying to read Le Petite Prince in the original French. It's so hard but it's funny how some words and phrases by brain doesn't translate, it just knows what the French means, if that makes sense.

    Language is a funny thing. I'd love to speak more than the one fluently.

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    1. French is definitely a language that I'd love to learn ... several of my colleagues are French and John is nearly fluent in French, but I find the pronunciation so difficult to master!

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  12. I can't speak a second language, but I love this post. It was so interesting to read your perspective on how it feels to feel your fluency dip.

    My ex-boyfriend's brother's girlfriend is German and I remember her being upset after she started to dream in English rather than German - I'd never really thought about what bilingual people dream in, assuming they hear and understand what is being said, without needing to think about the language it is being said in, if that makes sense!

    x

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    1. Thank you, Charlene <3! I rarely dream in Chinese (and rarely did), but I often do when I dream about my parents or grandparents. I had a dream about my mom a few weeks ago, that she surprised me by meeting me after work at the bus stop and I distinctly remember saying to her in Chinese, "Mama, why didn't you tell me you were coming? I didn't even have time to buy you some slippers to wear at home!" <3 x

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  13. I did lose a little of my English when I lived in France, plus there were quite a few new words when I came back from France, but I found it quite quick to readapt. I certainly lost my French quicker so don't worry too much, I think your maternal language will always be at the back of your mind somewhere

    Suze | LuxuryColumnist

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    1. So interesting to know, Suze! And thanks for the words of comfort/reassurance :) xx

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  14. This is so interesting to read! My Mum taught me Hindi as a kid and while I understand it, I struggle to speak it fluently unless there are a lot of people speaking it around me and then it seems to come back - so trips to India are always welcome just to regain some of my Hindi skills! But then I didn't speak it much growing up so its a bit different.

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    1. That's so cool, Manasi! Also, you must have been surrounded by a lot of different languages, having lived in Singapore and Malaysia as well!

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  15. I grew up in Belgium so I used my french every day. I went to an english school but we took daily french & all though we spoke english at home my mom speaks french fluently so we spoke a mix of it at home. We recently visited Belgium after being away for 15 years and I had that same suffocating feeling of not knowing enough french to even order a meal. I didn't get to really use it because when people heard us speak english they stopped speaking in french. It really hurt my feelings - it makes me want to re-learn french!

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  16. I always wish I'd learnt another language - just to experience dreaming in a different way...

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  17. I understand how this would happen. I don't really have this problem because my partner is French too, which means we speak French at home all the time. Also, since I work as a translator, I'm constantly juggling between the French and English language.

    My problem is that since I'm working from home AND speak French most of the time, my (spoken) English isn't improving like I hoped it would.

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    1. I can see why that might be the case, Charlotte - but I am just SO impressed that you are so incredibly fluent in both languages! I could never be a Chinese translator, for example. Your written English is absolutely perfect! And I'm sure your spoken English is as well. :)

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  18. I read this nodding the whole way down the screen... I have suffered this fate as well! When I chat to my parents over facetime we do a mixture of English, Mandarin and Cantonese and there are words that I don't think I have ever known in anything but English but I still feel like my Mandarin and Cantonese, though it was only ever colloquial level, is slipping away! It scares me a little!

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    1. Ah ... so you can REALLY relate, Connie! Maybe we need to start a Cantonese collective together ... ;)

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    2. I definitely need the practice- I was never, ever a fluent speaker so mine just so much rustier now!

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  19. I tried to write my parents a postcard from Berlin, and in Chinese, but my memory just slipped away. I resorted to Google Translator instead and pretty much the whole piece was done via online lookup. When I speak to my Mom on the phone, some Mandarin words just get replaced by English equivalents as my brain refuse to bring up the relevant words! I must find a Chinese partner to practice with more often, maybe we should start a Chinese corner in Hyde Park :-)

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  20. I can't remember anywhere near as much Greek as I used to, which makes me sad. There just aren't many reasons/opportunities to recall it over here x

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    1. It must feel like losing a part of your identity, Megan, as that's such a big part of your childhood/formative years! I totally hear you. Thanks for reading x

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  21. That happens to me all the time! Sometimes people ask me how do you say a certain word in Portuguese and you know what? I can't remember!!!! Like there are certain words I'm sure I never used in english, so I get lost in translation between languages. I guess it's as simple as, if you don't practice it, you'll forget it or gets rusty :)

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    1. So glad to hear that I'm not the only one, MissLilly! It's such a scary feeling. Thank you for reading and for sharing your own experience with me! :)

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  22. What a beautifully written piece, Jaime. I'm so jealous that your parents encouraged you to speak Chinese growing up - my mum did but since my dad's half-English and doesn't speak any, it was an uphill struggle and I never mastered Hokkien, Hakka, Mandarin or Cantonese! However, I can empathise with the scary loss of vocabulary when it comes to speaking because I came pretty close to fluency in French back at uni, but now I feel it slipping away from me a little more with every year that passes. Maybe you could spend an extended period in HK or a Cantonese-speaking area? I'm sure there's loads of foodie instagrammers and bloggers out there who can speak Cantonese and would love to go on a language date with you :) x

    Tamsin / A Certain Adventure

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    1. thank you so much, tamsin. It sounds like you had a lot of dialects in the mix there, which probably made it harder! My dad speaks Chiu Chow as well and, despite growing up with it, I never picked it up, which makes me sad (though it's so hard!) because it meant that I couldn't communicate with my grandparents or aunts and uncles as well (even though they all spoke Cantonese). Chinese is HARD. I NEED to look out for some Cantonese-speaking instagrammers and bloggers, good idea! Send them my way, if you know any :) xxx

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