Monday, January 19, 2015

Expat Talk: Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship


How many of you have been in a long-distance relationship (or "LDR", as it's been cringe-worthily renamed)? It doesn't matter if your love transcends state lines, county lines, or international date lines - long distance relationships are hard.

That's it. Just hard.

I haven't talked much about my own long-distance relationship here (even though I talk a lot about my long-distance relationship with my family back in the States). That's mostly because it seems ... well, so far behind me in the past. In fact, as I write this, we celebrate 10 years (10 years!) of being together today.

And yet.

And yet, it is so much a definition of who I am; of who we are as a couple. Our long-distance relationship, while in the past, continues to influence and shape our future. It's impossible to ignore.

During a recent visit to my childhood home, I went through my boxes and drawers of all my old stuff (as you do). Photographs, ticket stubs, trinkets, and letters all came tumbling out. And then I found these: held together by a thick rubberband, a stack of all-too-familiar-looking train tickets measuring at least two, if not three, inches thick, their orange borders identical to the ones still issued today.

Back then, we were separated only by countries - me in York, studying for an MA, John in Paris, building his career at an international technology company. But even then, I could remember precisely what it felt like to stand at the platform edge at York as his train slowly pulled away from me. I often felt a rising panic; one that would catch at the back of my throat and threaten to overwhelm me if I didn't turn away and head for the bus stop immediately. Or, the reverse: getting on a GNER train (remember those?) at the old King's Cross (remember that?) - a miserable, gritty, canker sore of a train station, with pigeons threatening to shit on your head while you stood with your mouth agape at the departure board and a ring of commuters who stared ahead at the bleak entrance before them, waiting for their trains to be called.

I hated it.

But before that, we'd been separated by an ocean, with me in Massachusetts finishing up my degree and John in Oxford and London, completing his MSc. Which was worse. A lot worse. Back then, I'd run to my college mailbox, excited by the promise of a postcard or letter postmarked "Oxford" or "London" or "Leicester" - and it would never disappoint. Back then, I'd use up all the money I earned during my campus job as a college admissions fellow on phone cards. That mechanic, faux-cheerful voice telling me, "You have (pause) fifty (pause) cents remaining on your card. Please enter your credit card information if you wish to continue this call."

Back then, Skype was very new. Hardly anyone had heard of it before. A friend of a friend of a friend had told John about it and we decided to give it a try.

It was a game-changer.

Over the next few months, we scheduled "movie dates" (complete with popcorn and M&Ms), where we'd pop a DVD in at the same time and keep Skype on so we could chat throughout. We'd keep Skype on all night so we could "sleep" next to each other; our hearts breaking as the connection broke.

"That is, like, so sweet," someone remarked when I told this to them.

No, it fucking wasn't, I wanted to say. It was necessity. That craving for normalcy? That need for open and constant communication as much and as frequently as possible? It wasn't "sweet".

It was a matter of survival.

On my 22nd birthday, John bought me a ticket and I flew from Boston to London for the weekend - Udita drove me to the airport at 3:30 a.m. (and she had a Neuroscience exam at 7:00 a.m. What a friend, eh?). I arrived feeling excited, breathless, nervous, and emotional. The immigration official asked me what I was doing in London and I answered: "To visit my boyfriend, who lives here." Even she was taken by our long-distance love story, remarking on how "romantic" it was that I was there for a flying visit and wishing us well.

But as my whirlwind trip came to a close and we skated around Somerset House one last time (the tickets were a surprise from John), one memory sticks out in my mind more than any other - one that I've never shared with anyone before.

We were in the bedroom of the house he shared with some of his brother's friends in Stoke Newington. The sky was nearly dark and the branches outside his window were withered, brittle, and frail. My plane left the next morning. John had just given me a diamond necklace (which I would never take off, but later lose, only to have it replaced) and I burst into tears. I suddenly felt that gripping panic that had taken hold of me so many times before. I couldn't see how this could possibly work. I gulped for air as he grasped my hands.

"Look at me," he'd said. "Look at my face. You'll watch this face grow old and wrinkly. I promise. Okay?" And I knew then that I would. Because I believed him.

I think belief - self-belief, collective belief - is the key to surviving a long-distance relationship. The doubts that settle in our minds like gremlins gnash their teeth into our consciousness, diminishing and defeating belief like vapors being blown away. I think back to the times we argued, cried, or talked about ending things - and they were all instances of diminished belief, when we couldn't see an end to our long-distance situation.

Of course, practicalities are everything. Belief can't stand on its own if you have no concrete plans (or attempts at plans) to be together at some stage. Timelines are helpful. Planning visits during a visit is helpful. But at the bottom of it, belief (even if it's sometimes false), can carry you through - for just long enough.

Have you been in a long-distance relationship? Are you in one now? How are you dealing with it? I'd love to know. And if you're struggling through a long-distance relationship at the moment, hang in there!
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29 comments

  1. I've never been in a long-distance relationship like yours, but I enjoyed (if that's the right word) learning more about your story. Your back-history, if you will. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Ruth! It's a personal story and one that I've written and deleted then re-written and deleted a number of times, so your words are really appreciated!

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  2. Never been in an LDR (heh) before, but I'm always happy to read/hear about successful ones :) For as many people who say they "can't" work, there are just as many who fight through it until they get to be with their person for good, proving that it is definitely possible if both people want it to be.
    **I'm going to be that super annoying person right now, and say that this: "'Look at me,' he'd said. 'Look at my face. You'll watch this face grow old and wrinkly. I promise. Okay?'" officially made me swoon, haha. I want to thank you for sharing this story, too. I'm glad your long distance story had a happy ending :D

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    1. Haha yeah, that line sounds so cringeworthy (which is probably why I never shared it with anyone), but in that moment - it just felt so real and right. Thank you, Gianni. :)

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  3. I ran to those exact same college mailboxes every day for months, hoping to find a pale blue air mail envelope sent by my boyfriend across the Atlantic. We had met in Germany and spent a year together before I went back to finish my last year at MHC and he went home to Ireland to earn some money. This was pre-Skype (and he didn't have a computer anyway), so we only had the occasional brief phone call between letters. It was lonely and frustrating and heartbreaking - and it's kind of hard to even imagine now, in the age of Twitter and Instagram and Skype, when we can communicate constantly. Back then it was pen and paper and long silences in between.

    He eventually saved enough money to come visit me, and he subsequently spent three months(!) in my dorm. And I have no idea how we even got away with that, other than his Irish charm must have won everyone over! ;-) When he finally had to head back home, I was heartbroken all over again - but our separation really cemented the fact that we wanted to be together for good. I remember him saying to me, "I never want to be apart from you like this again, ok?" And we never have been. In fact, we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary just 10 days ago!

    You're absolutely right: long-distance relationships are not easy and not romantic, but with enough love and determination and trust, you can get through them.

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    1. Oh, Jessica - thank you so much for sharing your story, especially as a fellow MHC alum! It brought tears to my eyes. And congratulations on your recent wedding anniversary!

      You reminded me that also John stayed over for about a month or so, over Easter break ... I don't know how we got away with it either! But my friends were so incredibly supportive; driving us to and from the airport (while refusing any money), helping me move an extra bed into my room in 1837 so we wouldn't have to cram into a twin bed ... I owe so much to my friends who were supportive, both then and now.

      Your story also reminded me of our friends, who met while studying abroad (he's Irish and she's American). At their wedding, he told the story of how, when he flew to Pennsylvania to surprise her at her house during a college break, he watched her from her bedroom window walking up the driveway looking so sad. He said that it was during that very moment that he knew he wanted to (like your experienec) never be apart again. AH! That gets me in the heart every single time. In fact, I'm tearing up just telling you about it!

      Anyway, I'm so grateful for happily ever afters, and really thankful for yours.

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    2. Oh my gosh, now I'm welling up at your friends' story too! I can picture that scene so clearly, like something out of a movie. One with a happy ending, fortunately! :-)

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  4. I can't imagine doing long distance before Skype, let alone before emailing was ubiquitous. We started in 2009, and so had all the "mod cons" all the way through, but those broken connections killed us every time a line went fuzzy or a WhatsApp didn't go through or the video froze. That collective belief is the ONLY defense against the impossibility of it working. I'm glad you guys had that :)

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    1. Thanks, Betsy! The technology we have today is amazing compared to even 10 years ago, when John and I first started dating. How long did you do long distance for?

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  5. Jake and I met on Everquest - a web-based, role-playing game - in 2006. When we met we each had a partner, but as time went on we found ourselves single and our relationship online became more than just as friends. As Jake lives in Canada and I lived in London, UK the time difference of 5 hours made things difficult, but at least there was eventually Skype for us. We had about an hour each night with each other, which we jealously guarded and prioritised. I was surprised during this time how people in 'standard' (non-long-distance relationships) have little to no appreciation of just how difficult it is. I agree very much with your annoyance at the opinion of others that craving each other so much that you are willing to pour your heart out on Skype on a video camera while in reality you are in your room alone, needing a hug and feeling no arms around you is 'sweet'. And when the signal goes down... :( However, all that said how wonderful is Skype?! When Jake and I started there was no Skype, just the phone cards and the online gaming. And letters, which became like diaries that I would write over the week and then mail off to him :)

    I flew to Canada and met up with J, and after 8 years or so of friendship, then online relationship, then 3 years of visiting, marrying at Gretna Green in Scotland and more visiting with tearful, wrenching partings each Christmas I've now quit my job in London and have been a permanent resident in Canada for 3 months :) Obtaining a visa meant having every detail of our online chats scrutinised, and all those tickets produced as evidence that we wanted to be together. And it took 18 months for the visa to go through, during which it was like living in limbo between two worlds - unable to shut one down, but driving everything possible into maintaining/starting up another.

    You CAN do it. But it is surely the belief and trust in that fact which constantly sustains the relationship. Finding ways to reassure and demonstrate depth of love and intention from that far away, with the 'usual' ways denied you.

    Now I have a long-distance relationship with my family. Until reading your blog piece I didn't apply that same way of thinking to this different, but now similar set of relationships. Rather than having the 'push' of a romantic partner keeping me pushing on, now I have the missing of many family members who don't use Skype, and who can't make the time to speak as J and I used to when we were apart. Your writing, and this new way of thinking about the long-distance relationship I am now in, made me realise that I need to be inventive - to find different ways in which I can keep in touch with family now, that they will be able to reciprocate.

    Because this missing will go on much longer...

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    1. Wow, Em - thank you so, so much for sharing such a personal story. I loved reading it! I'm just blown away by how committed you both were to making the relationship work, despite the distance, the setbacks, the delays ... and yes, you're totally right about how the long-distance relationship then shifts to the one you're trying to maintain with those "back home". I wrote a post about this a while back (which I'd intended to link to within this post) and would be interested to see what your thoughts are: http://angloyankophile.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/the-guilt-of-long-distance-daughter.html

      I hope you're enjoying Canada so far and are enjoying your new life across the pond!

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  6. You're such a beautiful writer, Jaime, you always make me feel like I'm on the exact same page with you. Whether I have any experience of the topic or not. I can't imagine how hard long-distance is, especially in the long-term. I've always chickened out when I knew a relationship would be long-distance - which probably just means they weren't meant to be!

    Sorcha x Bright Field Notes

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    1. That means so much coming from you, Sorcha - simply, thank you.

      I think you've hit the nail on the head there with your comment though - I think that if you can't imagine the thought of pursuing a long-distance relationship with someone, it probably has a lot more to do with that particular person than anything else. Having said that, however, I don't think I could do a long-distance relationship now - I mean, if I was starting over. When I was "young" and in college, that was one thing - I had the time, energy, and headspace to devote to that commitment. I don't think I could do it now.

      (Which is why I find Charlee's story below so incredibly brave - and why I think she's a much stronger woman than me!)

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  7. I loved reading this. Seriously, the "look at my face....." part made this hormonal pregnant lady cry.

    I was actually discussing long distance relationships with someone the other day, and it was brought to my attention that over the last 7 years, my relationship with my husband has sort of become one. I honestly see him less now that we are married than I did when we were dating, and if I do the math (which makes me cringe), we've spent almost as much time apart in the last 4 years than we have spent together, but it's just kind of become our "normal" - I think the most difficult part of it all for me is the transitional period of us being apart for months at a time and having to adjust back to life together again, and admittedly, it's not always an easy transition. I am constantly thankful for things like Facebook, email, ichat, etc - especially now that kids are in the mix. I can't even begin to imagine having to deal with it before the days of Skype. I would have gone insane. I've also learned in the last year that I have to be careful not to build up resentment for the things I feel like he's missing. I feel that gripping panic every single time he leaves (like this morning, even though he'll only be gone a month this time), and usually before he comes home, too, but I agree that belief is the key to surviving it.

    I'm really glad you shared this! I think it takes an incredible kind of bond to weather the kind of distance you guys had throughout your relationship, and I think that kind of strength in a relationship is rare these days!

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    1. Charlee ... I don't know what to say. I feel really foolish writing this post because I know that long-distance is something you live with on a frequent basis (and with a baby ... plus another on the way, to boot!). I don't know how you do it, only that you are brave, strong, and inspiring to me. I hope you and Gene will be able to have less time apart and more time together in the near future.

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  8. Oh, Jaime. I don't even know what to say except I know. I feel every single emotion you have now thinking back, and had at the time. I know everything about it, and so few of us really do. There is no romanticism involved in being apart – it's sad, expensive, real, necessary, and difficult. It's painful, awful, and a very weird, specific kind of torture that only those who have been through it will understand. Thank you for this.

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    1. I know you do. And that's what's amazing and comforting all at the same time. I'm so lucky to have met you and to have had similar/shared experiences that we can talk about with each other! xo

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  9. *sobs* I know these feelings only too well. I think we tweeted about it, but I've had two LDR stints with my husband, the most recent while with a new born and it is crushing. Such a huge test on a relationship, but I think things like Skype and Whatsapp make it easier to get through the day. The first time we were apart we had Microsoft messenger and email. Sounds romantic now!

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    1. I don't know how you did it, Amy. Honestly. You are much stronger and braver than I am. Amazing.

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  10. I'm not in a long distance relationship but I really wanted to comment because this blog post moved me so much. You're such a wonderful writer. I might have cried when I read about the night before you caught your plane home. Wonderful.

    x

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Charlene! That means the world to me (though, I just re-read that part about the night before I caught my plane home and I cringed - I promise it was *so* much more meaningful and non-cringey in real life!). And thanks so much for stopping by! x

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  11. My husband and I did it for 18 months, between Atlanta and London, me flying to London to see him or him flying to Atlanta to see me or meeting somewhere in between, every 6 weeks or so. We were so fortunate my parents donated a lot of frequent flier miles to us, or who knows when we would have been able to see each other. It was tough, and even now when he is gone for business ( we are back in the States and have been married 8 years) I hate it! I know how hard it is, the heartache, the sadness, but, at least for us, it was all worth it in the end. Loved this post!

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    1. Hi Andrea, so sorry for the delayed reply to your comment! I was so moved by your story. Congratulations on being married for 8 years! It is such an accomplishment. And I *totally* know what you mean - John was recently away (in NYC, ironically - he goes to the US more than I do, lately) for work for a week and I HATED it. I know exactly how you feel! Thank you so much for reading, and for taking the time to post a comment.

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  12. OMG, what a beautiful post! Last year I got married to my long-distance boyfriend. He's Slovenian and I'm Mexican, we're currently living together in Slovenia, finallyyyyy. After all the torture! I will be sharing this article with him, you brought all the feelings back again! I'm so happy for you guys, stories like this make me realize how strong people in LDR are, and how they are capable of doing WONDERFUL things. Just beautiful. Hope you guys grow old together as well!

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    1. Hi Ana! First of all - you have SUCH a gorgeous name! Second of all, I love your love story! It is amazing, and I am so glad that the both of you have been reunited in Slovenia (a beautiful country). Congratulations on your marriage, and I hope you have many, many years of happiness together. Thank you so much for reading.

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  13. Loved reading this - I was in this situation when I spent a year living in Madrid and my boyfriend was back in the UK. I remember the excitement in the pit of my stomach as I went to the airport to meet him for a visit or rushing through passport control as I arrived in the UK for a weekend. But equally there was that horrible misery when you had to say goodbye AGAIN. We were lucky enough to have Skype though - I would have really struggled without it. We also sent surprise parcels with letters and little presents which were the best thing to receive at the end of a hard day! All totally worth it though - two years later and we're still together :)

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story, Florence! So glad to hear that it had a happy ending. :) I think we're definitely spoiled by inventions like Skype, FaceTime, etc. nowadays. But as you recalled above, though Skype made things bearable, saying goodbye was always HARD.

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  14. The other side, you may be irritated to be always picking your partner's socks on the floor every time you come home. john H

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