Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Can We All Just Be a Little Nicer To Each Other?


I hate 'Commuter Me'. 'Real Me' is polite. Friendly. Considerate.

Commuter Me is not.

Commuter Me does not let others get on the train first. Commuter Me walks quickly, sighing at people who are in her way. Commuter Me gets all huffy when a newspaper invades her personal space. Commuter Me has zero compassion for others.

But Commuter Me was on the Victoria Line the other day, travelling into Central London when she witnessed a fellow commuter get right up in the face of another commuter and shout at him, before proceeding to barge his way through the rest of the carriage, purposely knocking into people (who said nothing) and angrily shouting at others on the platform.

It was unpleasant, it was aggressive, and it was very, very unkind.

I tried to catch the eye of the shaken Other Commuter, who just looked down at his shoes while everyone stared straight ahead. No one offered him a sympathetic smile; no one even showed their disapproval at the Raging Commuter.

I was once in the same position as the Other Commuter: I was on a bus from Islington to Bloomsbury, when a man barrelled his way through the crowded bus before shouting that I wasn't moving (there was literally nowhere to move to). So he physically knocked right through me, while I shouted, "F*cking asshole!" after him (not my finest moment, I'll admit). Of course, instead of throwing a sympathetic look or two my way, my fellow commuters looked at me like I'd grown two heads. But I'll never forget what happened next: a woman standing nearby tapped me on the shoulder and asked in a concerned voice, "Hey. Are you okay? That was weird. So f*cking weird." And her empathy made all the difference.

I looked at Other Commuter and all the feelings I felt that day on the bus came rushing back to me: anger, humiliation, and shame. So, when my stop arrived, I waited to see if he would get off too. When he didn't, I made a snap decision to get back on the tube and walked over to him quickly. I touched his arm.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine, thanks," he said, a bit surprised.

"That was horrible," I said. "You didn't deserve that. I just wanted to let you know," I added, before walking away.

"Thanks a lot - I appreciate it," he replied, smiling.

I felt bad that I didn't/couldn't intervene at the time - and I know that this is such a contentious subject. It's difficult to put yourself in danger in order to defend a stranger (and judging from Raging Commuter's physical and verbal aggression, the situation might have had the potential to become violent). But I knew that I could do some damage control.

I thought about Commuter Me's own behavior every morning and vowed to change it - which is easier said than done. It's hard not to push back when people are pushing into you. It's hard not to instinctively jump on the train when everyone's rushing to cram onto the same carriage.

But I noticed that the more people I let in front of me, the less I rushed, the more compassion I tried to extend ... the same was afforded to me. Not just on the tube: this morning, when trying to sort out an appointment mix-up at the doctor's office, a fellow patient - jiggling a baby on her hip - approached me and said, "I couldn't help overhearing - but if you wanted to swap appointments with me so that you get seen sooner, I don't mind! Just let me know." I couldn't believe it. Who's that nice?

Well, us. We all have the potential to be just a little nicer to each other. Certain situations can bring out the worst in us (hello, Central Line at rush hour!). But the kindness is there. And that's what I need to remember; it's what I need to unlock.
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45 comments

  1. Tjis post rings so true with me. As a central line commuter who goes to the end of the line, the tubes aren't that frequent. So when I see my train, I try to get on all costs. It's not pretty. Now I'm going to step back. Those 4-5 minutes really aren't that long to wait...
    Sophie
    x
    A Story of a Girl

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    1. Ugh, that's a tough one, Sophie. I totally get the need/urgency to get on but then it often doesn't feel worth it as it's at the expense of your mental wellbeing! Commuting is tough - whether you're walking or cycling or bus-sing or -tube-ing, I think! xx

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  2. So, so much yes! Karma is a rather powerful force!

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  3. People can be so mean to each other; I know it's apparently a very British thing to find interaction with strangers awkward but it really riles me when incidents like that happen and everyone looks away. I once had to get a half asleep drunk girl off the tube when her friends had left her at the previous stop - stressful!

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    1. What a hero, Connie! That must have been scary and stressful. I'm not sure how I'd react in the same situation!

      But I totally agree: it's the fact that people don't commiserate that bothers me - we're a bunch of empathizing commiserators (not a word, I know) in the US!

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  4. I find the avoidance after these nasty incidents really strange, it would never happen in Scotland. People are much more likely to check if you're alright.

    I bet you reframed that man's whole day. Knowing someone's on your side, even a stranger on the tube, makes all the difference.

    I've also found that if you show kindness and politeness in rush hour that others get reminded of it. Yesterday a woman was trying to push into a queue for the tube station stairs from the side rather than joining the back. She was going to shove her way in anyway so I stepped aside to make room and gestured her in with an, after you. Her face was a picture - rather than grateful she seemed embarrassed to have someone pay attention to Commuter Her's behaviour.

    And everyone stopped cramming together around me just a little bit.

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    1. I was reading this comment while waiting for the Central Line this morning and it made me laugh out loud. People need their behavior reflected back to them, I think! It's like reverting to childish behavior ... you know what you're doing is wrong, but until the teacher calls you out on it, you'll keep doing it! Argh.

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  5. The Central line at rush hour is no joke! I'm one of those people who is normally quite okay with keeping to myself. But, oddly, it's easy for me to compliment or make quick connections with strangers. I have yet to have a bad experience. We seem to recognize kindness and want to meet it.

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    1. I love that line, Andrea: "We seem to recognize kindness and want to meet it." Such a lovely sentiment!

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  6. That's such a good thing that you talked to him. The same thing happens here in NYC. It's sad, because on the one hand I understand why people avoid interacting with strangers, because in big cities, there are a lot of crazy dangerous people, so we naturally keep our guards up that way. But at the same time, when something bad does happen, it's disheartening to see everyone kind of avoid helping out. I remember hearing a story about a girl in nyc who passed out and fell into the tracks. She fractured her skull and was bleeding immensely, but the people around her just stood around taking pictures. Finally after a minute someone jumped in and picked her up. That's really terrifying to me, that people can be so callous. The girl could've DIED and everyone was just standing around taking pictures....beyond shameful.

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    1. I'm surprised/not surprised to hear that NYC is similar, Farrah! Surprised because Americans tend to be a little more outspoken in these types of situations (or so I have experienced on the West Coast) but not surprised as it's a big city as well, and it's kind of a big city type of mentality to have, right?

      That taking photos on phones thing is something I'll never, ever, ever get. I really don't. It's so f*cked up!!!

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  7. Ahhh Jaime all over this - going to make it a conscious effort today to be nicer to one stranger than I was yesterday :)

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    1. Sorry, but anyone wearing a fedora on the tube is an exception to this post. She deserved the stink-eye (if your eye didn't get poked out by it first).

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  8. Jeeze some people! Is this a London? ie both the behaviour and lack of compassion? Some people are just so busy trying to get places they don't really notice what's going on around them!

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    1. Exactly, Angie ... it's partly cultural and partly people being in their "own zones" I think. But I think that the majority of us were taught as children to stand up for what's right or to make people feel better when they're down - even strangers. So why can't we return to this mindset as adults and extend some compassion?

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  9. As a former commuter this made me so thankful I am out of that rush, especially when I was of the commuting type that involved giant California freeways but I think no matter how you do or do not get to work it is such a great reminder that being nice is always appreciated.

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    1. Oh man ... I'm not sure what's worse, commuting on a giant freeway (which my brother currently does) or commuting on the tube! Both equally bad!

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  10. Commuter me can be a monster. Luckily my commute is now a bike ride, which I love, but when I had to go into central London every day I had to stop getting the tube because I just hated the experience - I walked 45 minutes instead to avoid it! I always try to be nice, but it's so hard on the tube when you get jackasses like that!

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    1. I'm always jealous of people who cycle into work, but the thought of cycling in Central London makes me fear for my life! (I'm not even stable enough to go around the park on a bike, I don't think!) It's lovely that you always try to be nice; my natural instict is to be defensive/aggressive. Everyone has their claws out at that time of the morning, I feel!

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  11. Love this! I bet you made the hugest difference to that guy's day, and all with just a few words. Unfortunately we Brits are terrible at this kind of thing, although being a loudmouth I usually say something - doesn't always end well though!!

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    1. Haha - I could totally picture you saying something! It's the American in me, but more so down to the fact that something similar had happened to me recently. I think that people find it hard to empathize until they've been in someone else's shoes. And that's understandable. How would you know how something feels, if you've never felt it yourself?

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  12. This is perfect. I realized recently that I am the same way. For example, back in Virginia, everyone smiles at everyone else on the street - we don't do it necessarily because we're being nice, we just do it because if we don't do it then someone else will think we're mean. But here in Cork, no one smiles. In fact, it's the common practice to look down at the exact moment where a smile would be inserted in Virginia and completely ignore the other person. I realized recently that I've become as Cork-like as everyone else (that would be a great pun if you'd ever heard a Cork accent - we put "like" at the end of every sentence) and haven't been smiling at all. So I started smiling. And recently, a LOT of people have started smiling back. I get "hello!"s and "good morning"s all the time, and I've had small chat with so many more people it's insane. People really are nice deep down inside, but we get really caught up in not looking stupid and following the crowd and fear and all the rest that it takes a sincere effort to be nice.

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    1. I'm just commenting again because the "notify me" button didn't show up on my first comment, so if you replied I wouldn't get it! hahaha x

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    2. Haha! You're too sweet, Sarah Elizabeth! I loved your comment. Thank you for sharing your experiences in Cork! I'll bet it's a friendlier place than London. But what you said is exactly right: people are actually nice deep down inside, we just get caught up in behaving in a certain way because we're following the crowd. And it's hard not to follow the crowd when you're being herded like sheep on the tube, ha! xx

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  13. I love this post and it was so me. In fact it was one of the reasons I had on my list as to way I left London; I didn't like the commute and how it made me feel and behave. I'll never forget one of my last journeys- I had a drunk man sit fairly close to me and for the next 10mins of my journey I had a barrage of abuse- every swear word under the sun and demeaning comments about how I was dressed/wore my make up. And d'you know what? Not one person looked up (there were 3-4 men sat opposite me) and when I got up to walk further down the carriage, with the man still shouting abuse at me- not one person asked how I was. It was awful. I'm glad you find someone on that bus that day that sympathised and that you did the same- you really would have made a difference to his day.

    K.

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    1. That is f*cking horrible, Kelsey. Those people who just sat there should be ashamed of themselves. Like I said, even if you don't want to intervene (and I get why this can be a difficult decision), then at least check if the person's okay! We're all human. But it feels inhumane to let something like that go. That's what happened with me that day - I just couldn't let it go. I could tell the man was still stinging from this confrontation and it made my heart hurt. Isn't that what we all learn as children? To be kind to others? To help someone up when they're down? Ugh. I really hope you never have an experience like that again.

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  14. What a brilliant post! You're so right, we are all so huffy sometimes, thankfully I'm not ever evil like the pushy man, but we've all been on the receiving end of his wrath. So you're right, we should be a LOT nicer to each other! x

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  15. A thoughtful post and one I shall be thinking about this afternoon as I travel with my son from Zone 3 on the Piccadilly line to the West End. While I sympathise with what you witnessed, I wonder whether Angry Commuter had a mental health problem? My son has autism and will often talk to himself out loud (and loudly) and flap and generally display autistic behaviours when we use the Tube. 99% of the time, people ignore him (and me) and even move away from us. Me? I'd just like someone to catch my eye and maybe say I am doing a good job under difficult circumstances. Doesn't ever happen.
    But then again, maybe Angry Commuter was actually just a f**king a**hole ...

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    1. Hi Ruth! I don't believe that this was the case with Angry Commuter, unfortunately. He bumped into the man quite hard, the man said, "Excuse you!" and he responded by shouting and cursing in his face, before physically running into the commuters alongside him just to prove a point. He was, sadly, a man who was in full control of his behavior and had decided to act like a jerk that day.

      But I think you've raised a very good point, and one that I think people need to also be aware of when they're travelling on the tube. I'm a reader of your blog (when I get a chance to catch up with my blog reading!) and I know that you are doing a really, really excellent job in providing a loving and stable environment to your son and your family. <3

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  16. I'm so glad you did what you did. After a really long, emotional day on the hospital wards a few years ago, I was on a packed tube home when an old drunk guy about twice my size said I was pushing into him and that he would "punch" me if I didn't stop and called me a "bitch". Needless to say, I wasn't pushing anyone but on a tube that packed, it's impossible for people not to have contact with each other when you're all squeezed in like sardines but the most upsetting thing was the fact that although people were obviously surprised by his behaviour, nobody said a thing to him about it and nobody asked me if I was ok. I remember just coming home and bursting into tears and wondering how people can be so uncompassionate.

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    1. Oh god, Shikha, that is so horrible. Really terrible - and the worst part is that I'll bet you still remember exactly how it felt you were attacked like that. Although we can't prevent those things from happening, I think we can help make them better by comforting those who are being affected when we witness these incidents. I mean, if one person had stood up to him or if anyone had just asked you if you were okay, it would have changed your perspective a tiny bit, right? It still would have been humiliating, it still would have hurt and been traumatic, but maybe just a little less so.

      I am so sorry that that happened to you! You are such a lovely person that I can't imagine anyone doing that to you!

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    2. Thanks so much Jaime :) Even though that was 5 or 6 years ago, funnily enough, that nice comment from you even all these years on actually makes me feel a bit more comforted about that horrible episode! You're right about how these things have a way of sticking with you and I fully agree that that if someone had just spoken to me or the guy being that way, it would have gone a long way! Showing compassion doesn't have to be about big gestures, sometimes the smallest things can mean so much to people.

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  17. Go Jaime! I think you did exactly the right thing. People are wankers when it comes to commuting and the rage that comes with it. I bet that guy will remember your kind gesture for a long time to come x

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    1. Thank you, Becky! I think commuting can bring out the worst in all of us (or maybe it's just London ... I'll never know!). x

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  18. Jaime I have so many public transport stories, because I have a big mouth and whenever I see people act rude to others I step in, which has resulted in some huge dramatic arguments with complete lunatics, but I can't help myself when I see people be rude. My favourite thing to do anywhere when people don't say 'thank you' if I give them right of way is just to say loudly 'YOU'RE WELCOME!', gets my anger out and reminds them how rude they are ;o)

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    1. BAHAHAHAHA ... we must have been separated at birth. I can be pretty confrontational! It's the American in me ...

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  19. During a tube strike I once saw two fully grown men having a fist fight on a platform after one of them had said the other one 'stank'. I mean, really?! I'm trying so hard to be calmer when commuting as it puts me in a better mood anyway, but it's half term, and children at rush hour should NOT BE ALLOWED!
    Cx
    charliedistracted.com

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  20. Awesome.I could definitely stand to be less irritable in certain situations. This is a great reminder that kindness goes a long way.

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  21. It's so nice of you to have asked the other commuter if he was OK. I must admit that when the tube is really crowded I sometimes wait for a few to go by so I can get on a less crowded one even if it means being a few minutes late - people are much more relaxed when they have more personal space

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  22. I once had a guy get up into my face, trying to assert himself on me in an aggressive way while I was on the train with others. Then he shouts at me as we're leaving the train as I was trying to get around him but he wouldn't let me. No one did a thing. He was very threatening and aggressive. I was so shaken that I spoke to the staff at the station the next morning. I saw him on occasion after that but he must have realised he was a twat and got on at another door. This was just after Valentine's Day. I remember thinking he was a twat because he didn't get any. Then, during the mid-late December time of that year, I happened to be on a later train than normal. I had a bit of wine. Suddenly, I heard ruckus a few seats behind. It ended up that this same twat was harassing another dark-haired female. But this time, people were standing up for her. He got off at my station and I also waited around to complain about him. I left a note as the police were taking ages to turn up and the staff asked me to leave a note. I HOPE to this day that they did something about it and didn't think I was just saying it because I was a little bit tipsy (but more tired as my commutes were hellish). Some twats just have anger management issues.

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  23. Loved this Jaime, we all need reminding to be a little more compassionate sometimes (commuter situation or no commuter situation). I don't know what it is about the tube, but it seems to bring out the absolute worst in people and is one thing about London that I definitely do not miss!!

    Polly xx
    Follow Your Sunshine

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  24. So glad that you said something Jaime - we're all so used to tight-lipped tolerance of one another on public transport, but when someone actually gets shaken up (by rudeness or otherwise) it's nice to see that another commuter cares. I've fainted several times on the tube since I started taking the train to school at 10 and only once or twice has anyone actually checked to see if I'm okay. It's such a tiny act to be considerate, but it really does make such a world of difference. xx

    Tamsin / A Certain Adventure

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  25. Unfortunately as London becomes increasingly overcrowded (and increasingly anonymous, less British or whatever stones you want to throw) the lack of manners goes from being comical to disgusting. My key peeve is when someone doesn't give a pregnant lady a seat. Not a "is she or isn't she" pregnant lady, but one with a badge. London didn't used to be like this.

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