Tuesday, September 23, 2014

"You Live in London? Why?"


When I went through customs and immigration at JFK airport last week, the US immigration officer took a look at my declaration form and groaned with mock disbelief: "You live in the UK? Why? Why?" He shook his head with a wry smile. "You know, the only reason why someone would live there is because of work or for love. So which is it? Work or love?" he asked.

"Both, actually," I answered. "I don't know," I said. "I might head back here one day."

"But then you gotta bring him over!" the official said with a sigh. I'm not sure if the sigh meant that he was foreseeing the complications that international borders and green card applications would bring, or if he was sighing because he disliked the thought of an "alien" (which is how they refer to non-U.S. citizens in the States) being granted permission to stay in the U.S.

Either way, that's typically the reaction I get from people in the U.S. when they find out where I live - regardless of whether they're from New York City or Tacoma, Washington. It's usually shock, then disbelief, then this expression crosses over their faces ... like they feel sorry for me.

"It's real ... different out there, huh?"

"How's that working out for you?"

"Wow. London. Why did you pick there? Is the food nasty? I heard the food is real nasty."

I might as well have said that I lived in Timbuktu. Or Syria. Or in outer Mongolia.

Then, the inevitable: the most pressing question they ask is, "So when are you coming back?" It is difficult for them to comprehend that, given the choice, I chose to live in the U.K.

On the eve of her move back to the States, blogger Robin, of Second Floor Flat, recently wrote a post about her fear of "losing her cool" when she leaves the big city of London behind. Living in London as an American expat has, to an extent, contributed to the definition of who she is and has made her interesting to others.

But the people - my parents' friends, high-school friends I haven't seen for years, the sales assistant who asks for my zip code at Victoria's Secret when I just want to pay for my damn underwear and looks up briefly when I say, "I don't have one; I live abroad" - their reactions are not of interest, they are of pity.

Of course, this is not the reaction I get all the time. Just most of the time. Like, 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time, I'll get, "Oh my gosh, that is so cool. You are so lucky."

I'm not hurt by the negative reactions; I, for the most part, find them amusing. A little irritating (the food thing gets so old, so quickly), but mostly amusing. Yet after these interactions, I can't help but ask myself, "Why?"

Not, "why am I living in London?" I know why I'm living in London: because it's an amazing city with fabulous opportunities; because I have culture on my doorstep and new restaurants to discover every day; because I can be in Paris in two hours and eating steak-frites for dinner or fly to Madrid for the weekend; because I can have lunch at the British Museum and browse the collection for free; because strangers don't approach me in grocery stores and ask me, "What are you? Are you Korean? Are you Japanese? Are you Chinese?"; because no one stares when I speak in a different language or shouts at me, "Speak English, your in America!" when I do (yes, I imagine that every single person who ever utters those words uses 'your' rather than 'you're'); because I'm a shopaholic and my fashion influences here are largely Scandinavian and French; because I play with a symphony orchestra whose concert venue is a 5-minute walk from Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament; because all of these reasons and more.

So, I'm pretty damn sure I know why I live in London.

But I just don't get the pity. I ask myself, "Why is this the first reaction?" Is it because they hate big cities? Is it because they think their city is the best? Is it because they've never been abroad, let alone outside their state border, and therefore believe what they hear on the news or TV or read about in books, blogs, and opinion pieces in magazines?

Help me out here.
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36 comments

  1. So interesting to read about your experience. I've definitely experienced some of the same and even had someone tell me, about a year after I moved to London from New York, that they "thought I was making a mistake and was glad it worked out". I think this it totally an American thing – I can't imagine from someone from another country being as shocked about a move to London as people from the US are. That also, I think, falls in line with the fact that the US stays pretty separate from everyone else – something I never realized until moving abroad. But that's a whole other topic. :)

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    1. Wow, Robin - I can't believe someone actually said that to you! Then again, I kind of can ... I don't know, a friend on Facebook raised a good point: that traveling abroad is a privilege that many don't have (something I intend to address in a separate post). It made me check myself. I was fortunate enough to travel internationally at a very young age, but at the same time, I know someone who traveled abroad for the first time at the age of 60 - and it changed her life, as well as her outlook on the world. So although I could take the negative comments at face value, this post was also intended for me to stop and think about *why* people have those reactions. Maslo's comment below about being "flabbergasted" by the idea of visiting another country and also "fear", really taps into that, I think.

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    2. You're completely right. People tend to project their feelings onto others – fears, insecurities, etc. – and that's no different in this case.

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  2. I think those negative reactions say much more about the people who have them than they do about you or your choice to live abroad. So many Americans are so content to stay where they are. Some are flabbergasted by the idea of visiting another country, so the idea of living elsewhere is enough to fry their brains. America is touted as a place that has everything, a place everyone wants to be; so who in their right mind would leave it? But at the base of all that is fear: of the unfamiliar, of one's ideas/perceptions being challenged, of being uncomfortable, of being the one in the room who knows the least about their surroundings; the list is close to endless. I'm glad that you know why you moved to London and that you don't let the negativity get to you. Your reasons are yours, and that's enough :)

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    1. Thanks, Maslo - as always, you've hit the nail on the head with so many of your points. I don't have anything to add! Thank you for reading and commenting. :)

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  3. I'm from Texas and have lived in NYC for the past three years. I get similar reactions from my family and friends back home in Texas. In fact, when I'm in Texas and I'm meeting new people, when they ask me "Where do you live?" I am so hesitant to answer, because I know what sort of reactions I'll get. I think people react this way out of envy. Maybe they, too, know how many possibilities and adventures are outside of their comfort zone but they were just never brave enough to explore.

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    1. Hi Marianne - thanks so much for stopping by and for leaving your comment! I'm fascinated (though not really surprised, I suppose) to learn that these kinds of reactions occur even when state boundaries are transcended! Come to think of it, I got a lot of that when I left Washington state to attend college in Massachusetts. People thought I was bonkers for wanting to study on the East Coast! I love your last sentence about "possibilities and adventures". I hope you're having a fabulous time in NYC - I was just there last weekend; what a great city!

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  4. My experience has been a bit different -- during my 4 years in London, I've had to have the following dialogue with a fair number of English people:

    UK person: You moved to London?
    Me: Yes.
    UK: From New York?
    Me: Yes.
    UK: Why would you do that? Why would you move to London?
    Me: Have you ever travelled abroad?
    UK: Yes.
    Me: And whilst abroad, how do people react when you tell them you're from London?
    UK: They say it's amazing and wonderful and they wish to visit.
    Me: *EXAAACTLY.*

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  5. I wish I could help you out, but I think it's awesome and I'm jealous that you live in London. So I guess I can't help you after all!

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    1. Thanks for the positive reply, Maggie! I'll add it to my 10% of positive responses ... :)

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  6. Oh wow, I would have thought that the amazing boner America has for British things right now would have stopped the pity. I completely agree with Second Floor Flat, I instantly lost my coolness when I can no longer say "sorry, I can't get a loyalty card, I live in Germany".

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    1. Yeah, no. Watching Downton Abbey is one thing ... living in the actual country is quite another, apparently. I feel great that I live abroad but I guess what I'm saying is that, in my experience, I don't have that instant affirmation from others (which I don't need or want, particularly - just maybe not the outright negativity) that I have any sort of cool factor by living in London. But it sounds like a lot of other people who have commented have quite a different experience than I do anyway!

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  7. I wonder if the reaction would be the same for a man? Like girls are supposed to stay close to their families and their hometowns and not go on adventures? I think you're on to something with the privilege idea, too. I for one would love to move to London, or pretty much anywhere in the UK. My husband's company has an office there and I am constantly begging him to transfer. No luck yet, sadly.

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    1. Ok, I have to jump in and comment again here because Sue – that's a great point and I've had this thought several times before. Mainly it seems to be most often that women are the expats and men are not aka the woman usually comes to the man. What do you guys think of that? I was thinking of writing a blog post about it but have only held back because I thought it might be a little 'controversial'.

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    2. Hi Sue, thanks so much for your comment - and sorry for the late reply, as I've been away on vacation! I don't know if men would get the same reaction, so that's a really interesting take. However, I just met with a friend (who's a guy) who has lived abroad in Oxford and gets the same negative reaction when he goes back to his hometown in the States. So the comments don't seem to be too discerning between men vs. women from what I've heard so far. On a different note, that would be amazing if your husband got transferred to the UK! Keeping my fingers crossed for you too. :)

      And Robin - you know I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, especially in a blog post! Do it!

      Thank you both for your comments. :)

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  8. I've never understood why people feel the need to question others decisions about where they want to live.
    It's such a strange concept, because obviously you've given it a great deal of thought before you've even got to the point of telling people. Then there's also the ones who don't understand why you feel sad in your new country because they feel like you're on one long holiday, and not living a real life.

    It's a strange old world! xo

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    1. Haha, you hit the nail on the head, Amy! Ugh, I've learned to ignore it now, but it still makes me shake my head in amazement. Thanks for stopping by to read! xo

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