Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Blogging: When Private Becomes Public


I recently changed the settings on my Instagram profile from private to public; previously, users would send a follow request and I'd vet that person, depending on whether or not I knew them (whether IRL or through blogging or another social channel), and either accept or decline the request.

Initially, I'd decided to make my photos private for a variety of reasons: I used to post photos of my baby niece and family members when I'd visit (which I feel uncomfortable about sharing without limits), and I was too lazy to make a personal account for my "personal" photos and another for my "blog" photos. After all, this blog is ... well, personal. And since the majority of my photos on Instagram are an extension of this blog, I felt that I wanted (and was ready) to share, in order to widen my audience.

Which brings me to the question at hand: when does revealing personal information become revealing too much personal information?

Over lunch with my friend Jodi the other day, she mentioned something that stuck with me - something that I've been thinking of since we met. "I really admire how willing you are to share so much of yourself on your blog," she said, in between bites of her ham and cheese croissant. I smiled outwardly, but panicked on the inside. Do I share too much? Do I overshare? 

I'm a sharer. Always have been, always will be. Despite the cautioning of my parents, the emotionally-repressed Chinese culture I come from, the stiff-upper-lip attitude of the British society I entered into ... I'm a talker. This doesn't mean I share everything, of course. I'm selective.

But I've always been a firm believer that - in order to gain someone's trust (or interest, even), you have to be prepared to make yourself (even the smallest of iotas) vulnerable.

Like many other bloggers, I visit my Google Analytics page regularly. Not obsessively, but curiously. I'm interested to see which of my posts "speak" to readers - and which they tend to gloss over or ignore. 

The most popular posts? Not the ones about new restaurants or shoes or fancy candles or trips to the beach, but rather, the posts about grief, about dread, about homesickness, or about expat life. These posts are honest; they're authentic, they're raw, and they're real. (Not that the ones about new restaurants and fancy candles aren't, but you can only be so real, raw, and authentic about pork belly and Diptyque, you know what I mean?)

And so, this is my conundrum: I've always wanted to write for magazines. I've got a lot on my mind and I want to say it. But I'm so afraid to make what's private public. I can write about almond milk lattes, no problem, but when it comes to real writing - all that dark, scary, often unhappy stuff that brings out the best writing in me - I'm scared. I'm scared to make myself that vulnerable; to share too much.

So, if you write, or you blog, where do you draw the line between what's private and what to make public? I'd love to know.
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42 comments

  1. I think I'm quite private with my personal life, my boyfriend isn't named (if he had a name like Andrew or Dave he might be but he doesn't) or photographed on there, my friends don't feature, nor do my family. Apart from my boyfriend, none of them know about my blog and it would be very unfair to put someone on the internet when they don't even know about it, let alone give consent.

    I don't talk about my job other than in an abstract sense. I don't talk about anything that is too personal or controversial. But my main reason for that is that my blog is a hobby, a sideline to my career. Anything I post that's more personal I ask myself whether, if anyone from work saw it, it would embarrass me or my employer. If I wanted to make more of writing as a career then I might think very differently. I think it's a case of working out what you are comfortable with (without compromising your own privacy or that of someone else) and drawing a line and not crossing it.

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    1. Agree with everything you said about job/career, Lisa ... I'd never write/post about that and I like to keep the two things (blog vs. day-time job) completely separate!

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  2. This is so interesting! As someone who identifies as being on the introvert scale of things, I self-censor a lot. Although having just thought about this for the past 5 minutes, I think this is mostly at work! No one knows I have a blog, got married or have changed my name - but that is mostly because I don't consider my job to be part of my *real* life - they have no reason to know about me outside of what they pay me to do.

    BUT. In terms of social media, since I made the decision to re-brand my blog into The Whole Ingredient, and to make it niche (!) I am conscious that I am more measured in what I write, retweet and share. I think that comes from working in comms prior to this and now seeing my blog as a kind of 'brand', and my twitter etc as an extension of that (bleurgh). Gosh that sounds ridiculous! Anyone who doesn't know me, I'm not *that* person!

    Also, I don't share anything related to Mr H, as he has a total social media ban. It's just not his thing, and that's his choice. And I don't share photos of people's children, because I'm not sure if I had children myself I'd want pictures of them online. But that's just me.

    Your blog is wonderful because it's about YOU. So it should be personal, and I certainly think your writing in this field is what will be fab for magazines. My blog isn't about me, it's about food and providing recipes, so people don't really want to be reading about me! Incidentally, I don't think you over-share - I just think you're honest, open and really engaging. It's what draws people in :)

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    1. Haha, it's not ridiculous at ALL, Laura. Your blog and niche (which is an awesome one, btw) should totally be your brand, because it's a good brand, an amazing brand!

      Although I share stories and anecdotes about John, I try not to reveal anything actually about him, if you know what I mean. That's tricky, but he's a big part of my life - at the same time, I respect that he's a very private person and I think our relationship is something that I like to keep to myself.

      And thanks so much for the reassurance, and your kind words. Your support is a buoy for me in uncertain waters! xx

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    2. I'll be your buoy any time, my dear! Lx

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  3. I think about this a lot. My blog is very much a just the fact ma'am kind of place, but I know that when it is more personal it resonates so much more.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Gillian! I think it's just how much you're willing/comfortable to share. Even writing this post made me a little nervous/anxious/uneasy!

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  4. I think great writers give up a piece of themselves in their writing - whether fiction or non-fiction, personal essay or glossy article - and that's scary. But you can definitely do it. I love your personal essay posts the most - I definitely wish I could connect with an audience through writing that well.

    In the end, how much is too much depends on other factors in your life. How your work might feel. How family and friends would react. Whether certain admissions could cause you problems in the future.

    Then you need to make the call. Is it more important to tell this story or to be comfortable?

    That's how I'd do it, anyway. :)

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    1. Thanks, Sorcha. I really appreciate it!

      I've never stripped things down to that statement, but I think that it's something I need to consider i.e. is it more important to tell my story or to be "comfortable", as you say? Great words to think upon ... thanks!

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  5. It's so telling that even in replying to this post and writing a comment, I feel like I've had to mute myself a bit for fear of oversharing personal things even in a comment, which I guess answers the fact that I find it scary to be too vulnerable even to talk about the real nitty gritty things and I'm not sure if that's actually a good thing or a bad thing in the blog context. There's an indecisive answer if ever there was one but this post is definitely food for thought...

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Shikha! I'm really interested in hearing what other bloggers think about this particular topic. It's definitely NOT a bad thing if you don't want to share about the "real nitty gritty" things ... I don't share too much of that, but I try to strike a good balance, because sometimes there's just stuff I want to get off my chest!

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  6. My only real public Internet activity is on Tumblr, which is kind of a blog and kind of not. I tend to be reluctant to identify the things I don't talk about, because I don't think they're conspicuous by their absence unless I point them out. But in general, I don't talk about work, and I only occasionally, glancingly refer to spiritual matters. I hardly ever post pictures of myself, but that's because I don't have much of an interest in them--I don't mind being identifiable, but the things I have to say would not be measurably improved by being juxtaposed with a picture of my face. And I'm kind of cagey about posting writing I might want to "do something with," although "doing something" at this phase of my life mostly means sending it to magazine editors who don't want it. (Tumblr's not really the medium for long pieces of writing anyway, though I go off on a ramble about books sometimes.)

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    1. Absoultely, Marjorie - I have post ideas, etc. that I'd love to publish on here, but that I think would be better saved for pitching to a publication, perhaps, as they're a little heavier in topic.

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  7. My blog is mainly to share my creative interests and makes......and I'm pretty careful about anything personal I put on there....I'm not a great sharer. I do put photos of my kids on there [I'm a scrapbooker]....but they are older....and the photos I put on are nothing compared to the ones they share on social media!!!
    But like you I find that my most popular posts....and the ones that get most comments.... are the more personal ones. My post about the death of a friend [un-named] had over 50 comments....the most I've ever received.
    And I have to admit the blogs I like best are those where the blogger shares something of themselves....so that I feel that to some extent I am actually getting to know them......some bloggers have become real friends who I've met in 'real life'.

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    1. Thanks for sharing, Jacky! And I agree with you re: liking blogs the best where the blogger shares somethign of themselves. There's a kind of authenticity there that's rare to find these days, I think.

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  8. Some bloggers share every tiny piece of their lives on their blog right down to the incredibly personal; both physically and emotionally. My blog is really personal but there some parts of myself I would never, ever share on there...I've talked about fears and worries but I'd never share my deepest darkest fears. I think like everyone you reveal what you want but there are some things that just aren't for social media. On the flip side blogs that aren't personal are bland and often commercialised. My favourites are the ones that strike a balance.
    Lots of love,
    Angie

    SilverSpoon London

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    1. Completely agree, Angie - thank you for your lovely and thoughtful comment, as always! xx

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  9. I definitely think my personal posts are more popular - I'll post something which I think will be popular, but only gets a comment or two, then I'll post a little update on my weekend and my views and comments will spike. I work in communications in my 9 - 5 though so my professional hat is definitely focused around Google Analytics, audience reach, targeted content, creating a brand, etc., so it's something I really try to avoid with my blog to keep the two separate. I want my blog to be fun and never feel like work. If I ever feel like posting a personal post because I think it will be more popular, I stop myself and remember my blog isn't about targets and objectives.

    That being said, I've "met" some really wonderful people through blogging, and occasionally I'll write something down which I would be happy for them to read, then I remember that they're potentially not the only ones reading! It's strange that I feel more comfortable telling strangers on the internet things that I would never mention to people I work with every day...

    x

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    1. Thanks for sharing, Charlene! Totally agree with avoiding posts with the sole purpose of boosting page views ...!

      I've also been fortunate enough to meet some wonderful people through blogging - isn't it the funniest thing? And then when they meet me, they're like, "I feel like I know you so well!" which is kind of strange yet funny at the same time! x

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  10. I dig the writing that is personal but universally relatable an the online setting. It's not TMI for the sake of shocking others or bragging, or any other unpleasant thing; it's sharing part of yourself to help others see that they're not alone in feeling the way they do. Your more personal posts come across this way, and that's why I really enjoy them. Fiction writing has been my favorite way of sharing personal things about myself -- fears, questions, laughable traits -- with the help of people and worlds that aren't real. It allows me to explore subjects that people (who aren't my closest loved ones) would rather not converse about. Either way, I think adding a bit of yourself to your writing is a good thing. It helps connect you to others.

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    1. Thanks so much, Gianni. Your support and kind words mean so much to me - as does every comment you post here.

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  11. I agree that it's sometimes hard to know where to draw the line - I tend to think 'if anyone I knew in real life were to read this, would I be embarrassed?' and I go from there. Also I have pictures of my boyfriend and the odd one of my family and friends who know I blog, but I wouldn't put up pics of colleagues or my partners family because I know I wouldn't want to stumble across a picture of myself on someone else's site without knowing it was there! I go back and forth on the blog and in real life about how much I really want to share with people but at the end of the day, I think you know instinctively where your comfort zone is. It's an interesting topic for discussion! :)

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    1. That's an excellent way to gauge the appropriate place to draw the line, Elise - thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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  12. LOVE this post!! So true. I recently opened up my social media to people after not wanting to because of people at work etc. I still find it a bit difficult when I see work friends like my things and knowing they're potentially reading my things. Of course, that's the point of a blog etc but there's something about it that I'd prefer to keep it personal from them.
    I too, worry if I share too much or if I'm too cryptic and should share more. It's a constant battle!

    K.

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    1. Thanks, Kelsey! Yes, I agree - I like to keep my work life and blog life separate. A colleague who's on maternity leave caught on to my Instagram at some point and found me yesterday to say that she had no idea I'd been living (not in a bad way) this "double life"! I laughed. x

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  13. I've been having the same thoughts recently, and when I hosted the #lbloggers chat a few weeks ago this was my topic! It's such a hard balance to achieve I think. Anything work related is off the table for me - it's just a non starter for me to mix my blog and my future job.

    Also, when it comes to my relationship, I'm pretty cagey on that one too - as both my boyfriend and I are very keen that our relationship and personal lives stay between us. I really admire people who can post openly about their relationships, but it's not me and I really don't think it's a part of my blog either. I love it when you write your honest posts - I think they're great and really set your blog apart (not into a niche though ;) hehe).

    To be honest, I think for me it's more a case of trial and error and most importantly, never sharing something that someone else would be uncomfortable with.

    Lauren xx
    The Lifestyle Diaries

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    1. Thanks so much, Lauren - loved hearing your thoughts on this! xx

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  14. What I do mimics a lot of the advice that's out there on this topic, and that's to trust your gut completely. Where to draw the line for how much to share and when will vary for each person and in each situation. The big questions come into play when other people are involved – family members, and especially children as you mentioned. In those cases, you're then putting those peoples lives in a public forum which gets a little trickier.

    I love it when you share personal things and I actually wish bloggers and people in general would do it more – especially when it comes to things like grief, depression, and anxiety. We all deal with similar things and I think the more we all share (at the level where we're all most comfortable), the better.

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    1. Your writing is the perfect example of striking just the right balance when it comes to personal writing. Your personal posts were what drew me to your blog in the first place, and the ones I look forward to the most (though I look forward to ALL of your posts!). It's funny; I felt more vulnerable writing this post than anything else I've shared ... I guess it's a little meta, because it's almost writing about thinking about what I'm thinking. If that makes any sense!

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    2. Totally makes sense! I know what you mean though – I'm weirdly more comfortable talking about anxiety or depression than I am talking about my insecurities about my blog or my work. Maybe it's because that somehow feels more personal to me, whereas I look at my anxiety as something that's seperate from me in a way? Eh? Oh and by the way, I'd love to know – do you feel more comfortable writing personal things online than you would bringing up with people you actually know, and in person? I've found that my personal writing has been cathartic and actually opened me up to being more comfortable talking about my issues (or whatever) to people in my real life. Does that make sense?

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    3. YES TO IT ALL! I also find that I articulate myself better through written (rather than spoken) words. I tend to get awkward and teary and all, "I don't know" when trying to tell someone something difficult. I can't find the words to explain myself when I'm talking.

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    4. God, I almost HATE speaking because I feel like I can never find the words I want. And unless I'm SUPER comfortable (like with my mom, husband, or very best friend), I always have a level of nervousness that clouds my words.

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  15. I am also a talker, my husband is always reminding me when we are going to be meeting new people to keep the nervous chatter to a minimum because once I start I cannot stop. On my blog I share a lot of myself but not so much the small details of life. I like sharing my ideas, opinions, and views on life and seeing how others feel on the same matters and putting my ideas into the world in the blogging manner. I am also the same way in real life though, as some mentioned they keep their significant other private even at work whereas my boss was at my wedding as a friend not an obligation.

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    1. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one, Bailie! I'm intrigued by your blog - and the notion of living abroad in Sweden as an American! Will be stopping by for a visit later! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  16. It's an eternal dilemma, how much to share. My husband doesn't want to be identified at all and we both agreed that I wouldn't use our son's real name on my blog. As we (I) have become more "used" to the idea of our son's diagnosis of autism, I have written about it what it's like to live with, mainly in regard to education and the state of children's services in our borough. I post photos of my son's friends when I know that their parents won't mind and they all have pen names as well ~ The Good Friend, The Friend Who Mothers Him, that sort of thing. I don't identify my bit of London either. My guide is to only share the personal stuff online if I am happy to tell people the same face-to-face.

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    1. That's a *terrific* guide to use, Ruth. Definitely keeping that in mind for my posts! Thanks for sharing.

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  17. I love that you've articulated exactly what so many of us are thinking! It's nice to know we're all grappling with the same sorts of questions!

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    1. Thank you! It's definitely been an interesting topic to think about, and I've really liked hearing everyone's thoughts on this topic, which has made me uneasy/freak out for a while now!

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  18. I'm a total over sharer on my blog; the blog is me and in real life I'm an over sharer and talk way too much. If I go out with a friend or my other half then blog about it, I always just use their initial unless they want to have their 5 minutes of fame.
    While I over share about a lot of things, I do keep my surname out of the blogging world as I have a career and blogging is just my hobby. There would be nothing more embarrassing then having my potential future employer google me and have my blog pop up in front of them (and yes future employers do google!)
    xx

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    1. Haha, yes, as an employer myself, I definitely Google candidates ... have seen some interesting Twitter profiles pop up! Good rules of thumb to remember there, Kelly - thanks for sharing xx

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  19. I had a bit of an unpleasant experience not so long ago which got me thinking about the level of sharing in the 'blogosphere'. A girl who lives in Qatar had begun writing a blog with what seemed like the sole intent of hurting other people by writing elaborate stories about things they'd said and done. I knew a few of the individuals involved, and although they weren't ever explicitly named, Qatar is a very small place and it was obvious who she was referring to. I was so shocked and it made me worry about the level to which I talk about my personal relationships and interactions - things can easily get misinterpreted in print and once something has been published, it can't ever be taken back. At the same time, I want to maintain my blog as an honest and open account of my life. As you say, this is what keeps people interested and coming back for more! A balance needs to be struck and it's a difficult one to navigate at times. Thanks for a very thought-provoking post :-)

    Polly xx
    Follow Your Sunshine

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    1. That's awful, Polly. I've not heard of people being openly vicious like that, but it really makes you think and want to become more protective of yourself and what you share! Thanks for reminding me that there are some crazies out there - eeks! xx

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