Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Adulting: 10 Thoughts I Have When I'm Home Alone


Sometimes, John travels for work. A day trip to Berlin or Paris, or four whirlwind days in the US which take him to places on opposite coasts, like Boston, New York, followed by Chicago, LA and San Francisco. (No, I'm not sure how he does it either.)

It's not like he's gone for weeks at a time, but sometimes, he'll be away for a week and I'll find myself at home. Alone. Which is what a lot of adults do on a regular basis but is something I still haven't quite gotten the hang of yet. My 80-year-old neighbor knows I'm nervous on my own, so will come over to check on me (last time, we went on a fish and chip date when we both found ourselves home alone - it was adorable and fun) and joke about bumps in the night, to which I shoot evil dagger eyes in response. What can I say? I'm easily scared.

Left to my own devices, these are 10 thoughts that run through my head:

Stuff that mysteriously moves:
That shower gel was definitely not there when I last used it. I definitely put it down here. Logical conclusion: someone's broken in and moved the shower gel. Wait a minute - they still might be here! Hiding in the bathroom cupboard, obviously.

Talking to inanimate objects:
Speaking of acceptable things to do when you're alone, it's perfectly acceptable to talk to an egg you accidentally cracked on the freshly-cleaned stove, right? As in, "WHY did you have to do that? WHY? So unfair. SO. UNFAIR!"

Talking to insects:
Speaking of talking to things, it's also acceptable to talk to a bumblebee when taking out a bunch of dead flowers and get caught by someone walking past, right? As in, "Hey you! No, I don't think you'll like these: they're WAY past their sell by date." (Yes, this actually happened.)

TV consumption:
Don't find that reminder that pops up on Netflix every so often a little ... judgemental? You know, the one that says, "Are you still watching Gilmore Girls?" YES I AM, DAMMIT! I AM STILL WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS, AND YES, I AM ON EPISODE 20 AND IT'S STILL SUNDAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Out-of-control-Googling
Examples: "How can you tell an egg is bad?" "Meningitis symptoms" "Gilmore Girls IMDB" "How can you tell frozen tortellini is bad?" "Allergic reaction rash" "When to call 999"

Etiquette:
It's perfectly acceptable to use a cotton wool pad as a napkin if a proper napkin isn't available, right? Right? (By "available", I mean, within an arm's reach from my position on the sofa.)

Bedtime:
I have no concept of how late it is when John's not home. Mostly, it's because I'm afraid of the dark (but then I can't sleep when the lights are on, so I have to wear an eye-shade and ... it's complicated), so while our normal bedtime on the weekdays when John's in is 10:00 (he gets up for work at a crazy hour), if I'm sleeping solo, I'll only reluctantly drop off at 12:00 or 1:00 a.m.

Shapes in the dark:
That shape by the door: bathrobe? Or girl from The Ring? Probably the bathrobe. But ...

Noises in the dark:
Someone is definitely in the house. They've somehow managed to not trigger the alarm that I accidentally trigger almost every day and are on their way up the stairs. Quick! Plan your escape route, Jaime. Maybe through that open window you're sleeping next to ... the same one letting noise from the street in.

Possible weapons to defend myself against said imaginary intruders:

In no particular order: fly spray, hairspray, dry shampoo, a spiky cocktail ring I bought at Accessorize 8 years ago that could definitely gouge an eye out, if necessary. Ooh! Also: a vintage glass decanter. That would hurt if thrown over the head.

I mean, is it just me? Please tell me it's not just me.
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34 comments

  1. Jamie, this made me chuckle, and utter a loud sigh of relief because I realized I am not the only weirdo doing weird things when I am alone. Talking to things - absolutely! Not too scared of someone breaking in at the moment because we live in an apartment, but back in Haiti we had a private house and I seriously was scared and came up with 100 scenarios of how I'd defend myself against the intruders. In addition though, I always worry about Justin more than anything else, anxiously waiting to hear from him to make sure he is alright. For what it's worth I have a general habit of going through deadly scenarios. Example: the other day we were waiting for a train and I asked Justin "do you think if I accidentally fell onto the railways when train is coming and I laid flat very still, would I survive if train road over me? I mean is there sufficient space underneath?" So yeah, consider using a cotton pad as a napkin a normal thing. I hope people will still want to read my blog after reading this comment lol :) xoxo, nano | www.travelwithnanob.com

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    1. Good to know I'm good company, Nano! Haha! I stress out about John when he's away. I always imagine the worst and I let my imagination run away with me, which is really bad, I know!

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  2. In my opinion you are completely normal! I have some sort of auto switch that means the moment I'm in a house alone I start talking out loud to myself. I'm also TERRIFIED I've being home alone, except in my current flat which is in a mansion block so I feel safer! But if I need the the bathroom during the night, I literally run back down the hallway to my room. I was looking after a 2 year old in February whilst his family went on vacation, the house is 4 storeys and HUGE, and I was convinced I could hear someone walking around on the floor above me, I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack. So I made their dog sleep in my room which he is never usually allowed to do!

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    1. I totally do the running down the hall to the bathroom thing too - I also used to run up the stairs at my parents' house like something/someone was chasing me. Eeks!

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  3. Another great read, Jaime. I probably shouldn't admit this in public but I talk to myself ALL the time and of course to inanimate objects, random insects, the hens in the garden (but that's ok, right?). Strange noises and objects when you're home alone is always disconcerting. I'm less worried about intruders than ghosts. Someone once told me that if you feel as if something might be there, it means it probably is - not very helpful when you live in a timber-framed house in the middle of nowhere...

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    1. HAHA! I am a HUGE believer in ghosts. I don't think our house is haunted, but I definitely think my childhood house is haunted, specifically, my brother's room. To this day, when I'm home alone at my parents' house, I get creeped out! So, so glad I'm not the only one who has this fear.

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  4. JAIME HAHAHA I LOVE THIS SO MUCH OK. I do all of these things.... even if I'm not alone so yaknow, you're really not the crazy one. Sometimes I don't even know I talk to myself it's weird, and people outside on the street shoot me crazy looks and I'm like, 'what?!' Also the Googling thing is 100% accurate. My usual inane questions have no one to direct them at so Google is my next best friend ha ha ha. BUT THE FISH AND CHIPS DATE IS SO CUTE <3 awwww

    p/s I probably wouldn't mind being alone in your super gorgeous house though. Just sayin'.

    Cherie | sinonym

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    1. HAHA, I love that you loved it, Cherie! I talk to myself especially when I'm doing something stressful/difficult. Oh man, our house is not so gorgeous at the moment because everything that was in our dining room and former garden shed has been squashed into the living room while the garden works are underway ... it's dusty and dirty!

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  5. This made me laugh out loud Jaime!! All the things I do when Dave isn't there! I especially do all the talking, then I'm like, 'Vicky, what if someone was listening? You'll sound like a crazy person. Oh wait, you are!' Ha. Oh and all about Netflix too. My current binge is The Good Wife. I so wanna be a lawyer now! xx

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    1. Bahahaha! I tried to get into the Good Wife but I found the first episode to be a bit dry ... I'm going to give it another chance though, because so many friends love it! xx

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  6. I've had most of these thoughts and The Brainy One doesn't necessarily need to be away for me to have them ...

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  7. I love being home alone, but only if I know in advance! If I get home and no-one is there, my mind goes into 'psycho killer must be hiding in the under stairs cupboard' mode. And when I'm travelling alone I block the door with my suitcase so that if anyone does come in, I'll hear them. Mad.
    And Netflix can do one with their judgment on Gilmore Girls. Best thing to happen to TV on demand EVER.
    Cx
    Charlie, Distracted

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    1. Not mad, Charlie - COMPLETELY SENSIBLE. My mom (Queen of Sensibility) would approve. I watched so many episodes of Gilmore Girls when I was sick this weekend that I DREAMT I lived in Stars Hollow and I knew Rory and Lorelai. Yikes. x

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  8. Fish and chips date! *heart eyes*

    I think you're totally normal. I'm a weirdo who LOVES to be alone. Weird noises freak me out more when the flatmates are home and I know for sure people are around than they do when I know nobody else is there.

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    1. Tee hee - it was so lovely and fun. Ah, so you're the rare breed who doesn't mind being home alone! Teach me your ways!

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  9. It is *definitely* not just you - in fact I do a few of these when my husband is home...

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  10. I'm definitely the same, especially the night time ones. I usually end up having to fall asleep with the TV on to distract me!! I am getting better at sleeping alone in hotel rooms though, even if I have to check all the cupboards first...

    Jasmin Charlotte

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    1. I do that too, Jasmin! I find it comforting. I also like hearing the sounds of my neighbor's TV coming through the wall in the living room (although I can barely hear it) ... it reminds me that he's just next door if I need anything! Sleeping in hotel rooms alone is also a whole other story for me ...

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  11. *gag* Grow up. All of you.

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  12. It's definitely not just you - I find now I work from home I talk to inanimate objects a lot. It's when you apologise to them that there's a problem, I find!

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    1. Haha, Claire! I'm sure I'm on my way to doing that soon (apologizing to inanimate objects, that is).

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  13. Oh, it's not just you! The Googling and Netflix get out of control when I'm alone. And why are there so many more noises when you're alone?! I swear I don't hear them when my husband is home!

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    1. YES! I think maybe our sense of hearing is just heightened because we feel like we're "on guard"!

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  14. Haha, this is just hilarious! I'm not too bad (only child syndrome means I get by alright on my own), but I do get jumpy when I've been watching too much Criminal Minds late at night, then have to walk around the flat shutting the curtains and getting ready for bed. I worry then that someone might be lurking on the balcony or in the wardrobes...
    And the googling thing is definitely universal too - esp for self-diagnosing symptoms of a mystery illness!

    Sophie :-)

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    1. Oh my goodness - I can't even watch previews/trailers for scary movies when I'm on my own, especially when it's dark outside!

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  15. YES!!! The etiquette thing is so me - why go get a tissue, when a cotton pad is perfectly acceptable, right? And what's keeping me on that couch is Netflix. In the 10 seconds that I spent looking down, unwrapping another chocolate the next episode has started. And it would be rude not to finish. Love this post :-)

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  16. I'm so guilty of going to bed late, and glad to see I'm not the only one who talks to inanimate objects ;-)

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  17. I'm so guilty of going to bed late, and glad to see I'm not the only one who talks to inanimate objects ;-)

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    1. I talk so much to myself! Usually to coach myself through stressful situations ... like accidentally dropping an egg, haha!

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  18. Any sense of bedtime routine I have goes totally out the window when I'm home alone too Jaime. I also have an 80 something year old neighbour....I could suggest a fish and chip date with him, though I'm not entirely sure how his wife would feel!

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    1. Haha! Yes, mine is widowed and his son often travels for work (like John), so we check up on each other when we're both home alone!

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