Monday, September 26, 2016

How To Be (Less) Perfect


Last weekend, I helped my mother-in-law celebrate her 70th birthday in Cambridge by stepping in to organize the cake, decorations, and music (Udita and I performed violin duets) for an afternoon tea in Cambridge.

The week before the event, I also had one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in years.

The reason? I had over-committed myself. Again. At work, I was in the middle of concluding a difficult negotiation and, after work, I was scrambling to submit a paid-for travel piece in a magazine - all in the same week. The mere thought of tying together all the loose ends for the party on top of that: the flowers, the party favors, the music, photography, and more ... made me hyperventilate.

By the time Saturday finally rolled around, my anxiety levels were at an all-time high, and I spent the morning frantically running up and down the stairs yelling things like, "Where's the basket for the cards? Did you wrap the present? Did you bring an extra charger?" and generally acting like a (not-so-hot) mess.

Of course, as soon as I got on the train, I realized I'd left the arrangement of 'Happy Birthday' Udita and I had composed (which I'd painstakingly transcribed onto DIY musical notepaper) at home. When I arrived at the venue, I also discovered that I'd failed to make numbers for the tables and, worse, I had mistakenly used John's aunt's maiden name on her place card instead of her married name (which she goes by).

The amazing thing was though, instead of freaking out and hysterically crying like I normally would, I decided to let it go. We re-wrote my part for 'Happy Birthday' (Udita had her part memorized because, of couse she did) and the table numbers were written by hand on the back of spare placecards. John's aunt also received a hand-written place card in blue ball point pen (which was the only pen I could find at the hotel) rather than ink calligraphy.

And it was okay.

No one died (although my niece did kind of launch herself head first out of a chair while under my care - oops). No one complained that her placecard was written in blue ball point pen. Everyone found their seats despite the ridiculously small table numbers. Instead of trying to capture every moment with my camera, I handed it to my brother-in-law (who has a fantastic eye) so I could sit and have a scone and catch up with John's lovely extended family.

Six months ago, I would have replayed these "mistakes" in my mind over and over again like a bad movie. I'd press "play" and let myself feel the shame and guilt of not doing enough or being good enough.

But on Saturday, I recognized that my expectations for myself were vastly different than other peoples' expectations for themselves and indeed, even for me. I'd wanted things to be so perfect for my mother-in-law (who would have been happy with anything, I'm sure), that I compromised my well-being trying to achieve that unrealistic goal of perfection.

I'm not gonna lie: I hated being imperfect. I hated that the flower arrangements weren't accompanied by beautiful table numbers; that we didn't have more pieces to perform in our duet repertoire; that I hadn't considered buying chair covers for the ugly purple conference-type chairs for the room.

But the difference this time was that those feelings were fleeting. They popped into my head, I acknowledged them, and then ... they didn't bother me anymore.

And I was so, so happy about this triumph over my mind. But more importantly, I loved looking over to where my mother-in-law was sitting and seeing her laugh and smile. This party was for her, after all.

What triumphs have you been winning this week? Please share!
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11 comments

  1. It sounds gorgeous - and so heartfelt that you played your violin for her yourself instead of hiring someone! I'd love to have seen your wedding decorations because this birthday party sounds almost like a wedding!! 😂👰
    This week I'm trying to do the same thing - LET GO! I've been freaking out and sending off many aggressive emails into the void because I don't know where my next work assignment is yet - but I think I just need to let it go :) I'll know when I know!

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    1. Sarah, you must run into this so much in your profession! This art of "letting go" of our judgments about ourselves (as well as other people) is so, so hard and something that I continue to work on every day. For me, it's about priorities. I never prioritized myself when I was younger, and I'm finding out the hard way now about the consequences of that. In my warped mindset, I thought that putting things in perspective was making up "excuses". Now I see it as a way of mainting my sanity. Thank you for sharing your experience - it is hard to let go of the things we have no control over. As you say, you'll know when you know! xo

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  2. Replace 'birthday party' with 'hen party' and that is currently me. Frazzled beyond comprehension trying to sort out work, blog, friend's birthdays, hen parties, go to the gym and on and on and on and on it goes. It's good to know that you've come out of it the other side. Fingers crossed I'll make it in one piece too!
    Cx
    Charlie, Distracted

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    1. Oh man, I feel you! You WILL make it out in one piece - your friends are so lucky to have you organising their events! x

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  3. Oh gosh, I feel exhausted just reading your post!! I think we can sometimes put far too much pressure on ourselves, more so than anyone else would and think that every ball needs to be juggled expertly. Well done for winning that battle and it still sounds like an absolutely amazing event, I'm sure your mother-in-law had a most wonderful birthday X

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    1. Totally agree, Lins! Thanks so much for your encuoragement and support xx

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  4. I'm so with you on this, my perfectionism is my greatest downfall ;) No but really it just gets you into crazy stress knots that aren't even worth it.

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    1. I think it's difficult to priortise the things that matter and the things that don't ... sounds so silly when I'm typing it out, but the little decisions we make throughout the day can all add up!

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  5. As a fellow perfectionist, all I can say is: YEP. I used to take a weird pride in my perfectionism - until I started experiencing crippling anxiety a few years ago, at which point I realized perfectionism is really, really bad for your mental health.

    One of my biggest triumphs this week (and most weeks) was ballet class - because one of the things I love about ballet is the perfection of it, but it is a perfection that I will never, ever be able to attain. And yet I go to class every single week, and I push aside my fear of looking stupid and not doing things "right", and I just try to take joy in leaping around a dance studio - however imperfectly. :-)

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    1. Oh man, can I relate! You reminded me ... maybe this whole perfectionism thing is related to my 14 years of classical ballet training, plus strict classical music upbringing as well. Not maybe - definitely. There was so much emphasis on perfection in my childhood. It's clearly carried on into my adult years. Fine when you're a child and you're not *really* fully responsible for yourself yet, but when you're an adult .... it can really mess with your mind.

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  6. I needed to read this, I'm always berating myself for things not being 100% perfect and even little things like not having time to paint my nails, it's exhausting and we all definitely deserve to be nicer to ourselves when things aren't perfect. x

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